You want a ‘before’ picture?  Well, if you insist …

Yeah, lovely.  I know you think the floor is abhorrent but honestly it’s my favorite feature.  Even with all the cigarette burns and places where it’s peeling up, you just really can’t hurt that old linoleum.

Okay, fast forward.  We decided to spend our tax return money on new kitchen appliances.  I planned on waiting until I made cabinets and was ready to put in flooring but honestly, we just could not wait.  The dishwasher sounded like a dinosaur eating a helicopter, the stove had fewer and fewer knobs that actually worked, and the fridge is actually a good fridge but that big swinging door completely blocks off the laundry room when opened.

None of these grease-coated knobs worked.

We don’t have fast food on the island.  We cook every day.  We run the dishwasher every other day.  New appliances became a priority.

Well, as cool as linoleum floors are, cardboard flooring is completely awesome.  You can trounce on them all you want and you don’t hurt the shiny hardwood floors underneath!  Cardboard is soft on the feet, fairly non-slip, and takes a furniture dolly very well.

Delivery day was relatively painless.  I got the fridge out to the garage (yes, I moved it myself ) (yes, it was a big pain in the butt) with all our food, and put the stove and the dishwasher on the front porch so the deliverymen could take them to appliance heaven.  If you’re on a diet, consider moving your fridge out to the garage.  It really makes you think about that snack you want to get.  Especially if it’s raining.

In addition to new appliances, we decided to make a few simple changes and fixes to the kitchen.  A new light fixture to replace the 48″ fluorescent tubes over the sink.  Ships at sea would complain about that light diverting them off course.  Well, now it’s gone.  Your shipments from overseas should start arriving on time now.

And that absurd cut-out in front of the light?  I took a machete and whacked it until it was straight.  That stupid arrangement of half-circles and triangles made me grimace every time I saw it.  We had something similar in our house in Denver, and we lived with it for ten years.  Not this time.  It’s gone.

And we decided to replace the old knobs and drawer pulls too.  What was wrong with the old ones, you ask?  Everything.

Ignore the fact that the cabinets are now lopsided because they were so cheaply built, but the knobs themselves just exude tastelessness.  Fun fact:  they still sell that exact same model of knob at the hardware stores here (both of them!) for about $1.29 a pop.

And here’s the old drawer pulls.  My chief complaint was that the sides acted like grapnel hooks, and they snagged my jeans, my sweats, any article of clothing they could.  When I’d try to back away from the cabinet, my pants would get pulled off me and the cabinet drawer would simultaneously open.  It was as if the house was clawing at me with its very fangs.

Screw you, house.  Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and sometimes it gets replaced.  Above are the more anatomically friendly knobs and pulls that don’t claw at me like the fricking creature from the black lagoon.

At long last, new appliances are in and working.  I had to put plywood under the stove to bring it up to the correct height, and plywood under the dishwasher to cover up some extensive floor damage.  They work.  They fit.  They are lovely.

The fridge dispenses ice and water right out of the front door.  Seriously, you just push a lever and out comes the hydro of your choice, in liquid or solid form.  It’s an engineering marvel!  It has been my lifelong ambition to own a refrigerator that serves cold water out the front door.  Everything leading up to this moment has been building up to this pinnacle of achievement.  Nothing from this moment on will ever compare.  It comes with other bells and whistles (and beeps, literally) but who cares about them?  Not me.

The stove is really cool too; it has lots of buttons and lights and stuff that works.  And the dishwasher is about as quiet as those deer grazing in our side yard.  Who freaking cares?  The fridge dispenses water from the front door!!!  We can get water out of the fridge!!!  Without even opening the door!!!!  Oh man, I’ve waited my whole life for this.  I can now die happy.

Oh, in the myriad of pics above, please ignore the ridiculous countertops, the awful paneling, the crappy kitchen cabinets and the lousy floor.  If you do that, it actually looks like a nice kitchen.  Just focus on the water dispenser in the fridge door, and you’ll be happy.